How to Prosper in the Coming Apocalypse

Doomsday preppers, don’t panic! Profit! An investment guide and survivalist handbook for the end of the world.

Here’s your chance to make it to the 1 percent—after 99 percent of humanity has perished. Worried about inflation? Concerned about nuclear arms in the hands of terrorists? Nervous about fuel costs? This must-have book is all you need to gear up for windfall profits, while friends and in-laws lose their shirts.

Watch the final convulsions of civilization from the veranda of your country estate. Invaluable strategies and suggestions include tips on:

• Finding and fortifying your rural hideaway. (Do keep a spare copy of the minefield map; don’t run the toaster while the electric fence is on.)
• New careers in Armageddon—people are going to need marksmanship lessons, evacuation luggage, places to flee (group rates available for mass stampedes).
• Planning ahead and cashing in when the panic hits! The Scarcity Investment Plan—stock up now on valium, lead shields, and bankruptcy forms. (Full details available in our monthly newsletter—subscribe!)
• Doomsday etiquette—looting protocol, dressing for a food riot, bomb shelter decor, a basic getaway wardrobe. (Don’t forget trinkets for the natives; do wear comfortable shoes.)

When the trumpets sound—and the end of the world is nigh—remember to pick up your dry cleaning, cancel your cable, and call your mother. And don’t forget to pack your copy of How to Prosper in the Coming Apocalypse.