What I'd Say to the Martians

A collection of essays from the Emmy Award-winning humorist, “the funniest writer in America” (George Saunders, #1 New York Times–bestselling author).

Jack Handey is one of America's favorite humorists, from his New Yorker pieces to his Deep Thoughts books and Saturday Night Live sketches. Now, in What I'd Say to the Martians, Handey regales readers with his incredible wit and wacky musings.

From “How Things Even Out”:

“Things tend to even out . . . Try this simple test: Flip a coin, over and over again, calling out ‘Heads!’ or ‘Tails!’ after each flip. Half the time, people will ask you to please stop.”

“Once you realize that things even out, it’s like a light being turned on in your head, then turning off, then being turned to ‘dim.’”

From “Stampede of Nudes (Ideas for Paintings)”:

“The trouble with most paintings of nudes is that there isn’t enough nudity. It’s usually just one woman lying there, and you’re looking around going, ‘Aren’t there any more nudes?’ This idea solves that.”

“What has frightened these nudes? Is it the lightning in the background? Or did one of the nudes just spook? You don’t know, and this creates tension.”

And from “My Favorite Deep Thoughts”:

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there is no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.”

Jack Handey’s wonderfully hilarious essays will tweak even the most calcified of funny bones.