Aim Low

This parody of motivational self-help books advises the reader to keep expectations low in order to find true satisfaction in life.

Why should you strive to aim low? Because every time you aim low, you’ll feel like you’ve died and gone to Disneyland. You’ll be in a place where you’re never concerned about hard work, where you never feel guilty for goofing off all day, where nobody expects anything from you, where choosing to eat a third corn dog—or not—will be the hardest decision of your day.

Aiming low is as easy as breathing. You can practically do it without thinking. And all the skills required to get there—like quitting or making excuses—take less time to learn than you might imagine. All you really need is this book and the stark realization that you don’t really want to “be all that you can be” (what—are you crazy?? that’s the Army, for crying out loud). In fact, your expectations can go so low that anything you do achieve is completely surprising.

• Anytime you hear someone say it’s a win-win situation, they either don’t know all the facts or they have a stuttering problem.
• Admit your mistakes and you will mature and grow. Don’t admit them and you might get away with it.
• Hope is like a crutch. Once you start relying on it, you’ll be too afraid to make a move without it. Crutches are only good for two things: getting awesome parking at the mall and sympathy dates with hot chicks. Otherwise, they’ll just slow you down.
• Whoever said nothing is easy has never tried quitting.